If individuals with relationship problems were to be asked, “between you and your partner, who’s the problem of your relationship?”, often you will hear each partner stating with strong conviction that it’s mostly the other partner’s behavior that’s causing the problems. However, is it always the case? For a truth, it’s always easier to see the faults of the other person while overlooking ours.

And if you’ve ever or are asking yourself, “am I the problem in my relationship?”, you aren’t out of place to do so. In fact, it shows that you’re willing to sacrifice everything including fixing your mess just to see to it that your relationship works, which is very much commendable. That said…

What I’ll want you to do while reading this article, is to cultivate an open mind, so you aren’t clouded by your inclination to brush any signs you are the problem, as well as, potential solutions that will be listed in this article aside, which you should have considered and worked on. But…

Before I begin listing the signs and potential fixes, I’d like to tell you about, Sarah* and Jonathan’s story.

*Names have been changed to maintain privacy.

Sarah and Jonathan had been married for 28 years. According to Sarah, “the first 17 years of our relationship was good”, she said. But then she continued by saying that everything changed when her husband who was so loving, suddenly had changed behaviors. He was no longer loving anymore and was instead harsh on her.

What would Sarah do in this case?

Well, first she thought it was best to give him space, maybe he needed a bit of it to cool off. But unfortunately, that didn’t help. She now had to confront him directly with his behaviors that’s now slowly eating her up. Does it help? If you answered, no, then you guessed right!

Jonathan went into gaslighting mode instead. He had decided to run away from his responsibilities, neglected his wife, Sarah emotionally, and was no where to be found. But…

Here’s the most shocking part. Jonathan was all along having extramarital affairs. Now, this was the man that was gaslighting his wife as the problem in their relationship. [it’s worth noting that this can happen to either genders. It’s by no means condemning men and glorifying women.]

Jonathan was so toxic by her explanation, so much that he wasn’t willing to see himself as doing any wrong in the relationship. And in her final words…

Sarah concluded with saying that his mother was toxic too. Meaning he might have gotten this much toxicity from his mother.

Now, why did I relate this story with you? That’s because in the cause of listing out these signs, this story might be used as reference or you might need to reflect on the story as you come to read each signs along the way. With that being said…

Let’s now dive into each signs that suggests you might be the problem and not your partner.

Being Unapologetic

Have you ever hurt your partner? Maybe in words or in actions? What has been your response? Do you find the need to apologize for hurting them? Or do you feel you don’t need to, or even throw tantrums about it instead? Your inability to apologize whenever you’re the one at fault is a strong sign you’re the problem in your relationship.

When you refuse to acknowledge your missteps or express genuine remorse, your partner may become offensive, leading to the breakdown of trust and communication in the relationship, because you would want to get back at them by being defensive—a situation that could have been avoided if only a genuine “I’m sorry” was a natural phrase in your vocabulary.

Insecure Bonding Pattern

If you want a healthy relationship, it’s important to heal your attachment insecurities. Granted this is not an easy fate as attachment styles are most often gotten from childhood, just as did Jonathan we discussed from the onset of this article whose attachment styles was influenced by his mother. And…

If you’re unsure about how insecure attachment style is like, here are few questions that may help:

Do you fear getting dumped by your partner, even when they show constant love and commitment? When your partner pulls away even slightly, do you immediately assume that the relationship is about to end? Is maintaining independence your top priority, even at the detriment of your relationship? Are you constantly looking for clues your partner will leave or reject you? Instead of trusting your partner’s actions, do you secretly try to test their loyalty? Are you finding it hard to express your needs directly because you fear they will turn them off? And last but not the least, do minor disputes leave you feeling deeply insure about the entire relationship?

If any or some of these questions are true in your case, then it might be time to work on your attachment patterns as they can have a huge impact on the health of your relationship. With that…

Let’s consider the type of attachment styles that may be peculiar in your case:

• Avoidant attachment style, where you prefer independence and self-reliance over a close and intimate connection with your partner. You’re always looking for a way to end the relationship even when there’s no reason to do so. And to achieve this, you choose isolation and independence over emotionally connecting with your partner.
• Anxious attachment style, a situation whereby you constantly crave a strong desire for closeness and intimacy with your partner, while also having a strong fear that they may abandon or reject you. This extreme fear or clinginess might cause you to scrutinize every moves of your partner—a catalyst for distrust in the relationship, and make it more likely for your partner to pull away. This article will help you address and overcome an anxious attachment style.
• Disorganized attachment style, where you jump between avoidant and anxious behaviors. Sometimes, you want closeness and intimacy with your partner, and at other times, you’re bent on pushing them away for fear of getting hurt or rejected. This behavior is inconsistent and unpredictable, leaving your partner puzzled on what actually is the problem.

Understanding your attachment style can help you recognize whether your behaviors have contributed to the problems in your relationship. Moving on…

Lacking Accountability

Do you always blame your partner when things go wrong? It’s never you, it’s always them. You have hurt their feelings, but it’s them that’s the cause of it. You are never willing to accept that your behaviors are contributing to the unstableness of your relationship.

Rather than acknowledge your mistakes, you shift blames. Your partner says, “here’s what you did that I don’t like”, and your response is, “well, you caused it.” Nevertheless, there’s something peculiar your partner just did that you failed to do, telling you what you did to them, while you on the other hand, held yours back, plotting for a revenge. Next, we have…

Boundaries Violations

Do you often feel offended whenever your partner says they need some time alone? Are you always needing to be around them even when you sense they need some space? Granted, you care about them and their emotional needs, but don’t you think giving them that alone time, especially when they request for it is also a need you should also care about if you really love them?

Boundaries are important for healthy relationships to thrive. Without it your partner might feel suffocated.

Boundary violations can include:

• Pressuring your partner into doing things they’re not ready for, whether emotionally, physically, or socially—putting aside their own feelings or boundaries just so you can satisfy your own needs or desires.
• When you refuse to respect their request for an alone time or personal space, instead you’re constantly calling, texting, or showing up uninvited.
• Snooping through their private messages or social media accounts without their knowledge. This act alone can breach trust and can act as a sign of insecurity.
• Breaching confidentiality by sharing private details of your relationship with others—your friends, family members, or on social media without your partner’s approval. Next is…

Not Able to Communicate Your Needs Properly

Are you expressing your needs in ways your partner understands? Do you actively listens as they talk, or are you always interrupting? Do you talk with respect? Does your choice of words sounds like you’re belittling them, not trying to understand them, or being sarcastic? Do you take their feelings and concerns into consideration? Are you always shifting blames by using “you never” statements instead of “I feel” statements?

These are all critical questions to consider if you want to have an effective communication with your partner.

Not being able to express your needs and concerns in ways that’s both understandable and empathetic can show a serious problem on your part. And…

If you’re verbally abusive, it is one act you need to quit from, because the sole purpose of your communication with your partner should be to find a solution that works for every persons involved. Also…

If your partner wants to talk, and you feel uninterested or unconcerned, that is problematic. It’s even more problematic when you eventually choose to talk, but you’re unwilling to give an attentive listening, not allowing them to air their opinions, and constantly interrupting them. Basically, you need to be empathetic when they speak. That said…

Your communication will be ineffective if you do these:

• Dropping indirect clues instead of clearly expressing your feelings and needs, and expecting your partner to do the guessing, which often leads to them misunderstanding you and ultimately leaving you both frustrated.
• You are defensive when expressing your needs, leaving your partner feeling blamed and attacked.
• Instead of choosing to kindly ask for a change, you choose to frame your needs as complaints or worse yet you pick faults in your partner, which leads to resentment instead of creating a solution.
• You completely avoid or abruptly end tough conversations, because of course, who’s going attend to it if not you and your partner? Another is when you’re…

Holding Your Partner to Super High Standards

Having expectations in relationships are good, however, what’s not good is having unrealistic or overly demanding ones. Doing so sets your partner to a bar they can never measure up to, leading to disappointments that eventually gets you nagging around them.

Being constantly disappointed by their efforts or comparing them unfavorably to others, is problematic. This behavior…

Can be particularly damaging when:

• You’re kind to yourself but expects so much from your partner.
• You hardly acknowledge or appreciate their efforts regardless of how little or how big.
• Your focus is mainly on their flaws rather than on their strengths.
• You’re constantly comparing your relationship to an idealized one, like those portrayed in movies.

Always Causing Arguments and Conflicts

Do you always snap over every little things? Is your voice always starting on a harsh tone? Are you always seeing your partner as an enemy? Remember, your relationship isn’t a movie where you’re giving a role play. Your partner is your friend. As such, you need to approach every interactions with calmness. Doing the opposite, is problematic.

Jealousy and Lack of Trust

While it is normal to be jealous, that’s if your partner is flat out giving you reasons to be, it’s not however, normal to have that feeling if they haven’t given you any reason to be jealous.

Whenever you feel the urge to be jealous, ask yourself, “why am I even getting jealous in the first place?” Asking yourself this question will help lift off the weight for unnecessary jealously that can ruin your relationship.

Trust is the foundation of every single healthy relationships, as such, getting jealous for no reason is a sign of insecurity, and needs to be worked on as soon as possible. Another is when you have…

Self-centered and Obstinate Behavior

Are you more bent on winning arguments than finding a solution? Is your aim to dominate conversations over listening to what your partner has to say? Do you always assert that your needs take priority in the relationship, and that of your partner put aside? Are you always waiting for your partner to apologize first? Do you oppose to change in the relationship that might benefit the both of you? Do you hardly compromise simply because you feel your approach is always the best?

These and many more cross examination questions are worth putting into consideration. And if your situation falls into any, most or if possible all of these questions, then it’s safe to say that you are the problem in your relationship. Because…

Self-centered and stubborn behavior is never healthy for relationships—ever!

Relationships are about reciprocity and compromise, not wanting conversations to revolve around your needs and preferences all the time. To help…

Here are few signs of self-centeredness:

• Trying to always redirect conversations back to yourself.
• Dismissing your partner’s feelings as not important.
• Wanting the relationship to benefit just you.
• Having a rigid mindset that says no to compromise or empathy for your partner. Next is when you’re…

Being Manipulative

Manipulation is an attempt to lie, exaggerate, avoid direct communication, accountability, and conflict, or even influence your partner to have positive opinions about you when you’re the opposite.

When you are manipulative, you’re trying to get what you want in the relationship by being deceptive. This is bad and problematic as well.

People who engage in this kind of behavior uses gaslighting tactic to make their partner question their reality.

Here are few ways in which they do that:

• Withholding affection as a form of punishment, by intentionally becoming distant and cold to make their partner “earn back” love and attention after every disagreements.
• Using silent treatment to assert dominance or make their partner feel anxious until they give in.
• They justify their wrong deeds by claiming their partner made them do it.
• They mock or are irritated by their partner’s concerns, by making them believe their feelings don’t matter.
• Flip situations to make themselves seem like the one hurt or wronged when confronted by their actions.
• Using the scare of breaking up as leverage to get their partner into giving in into what they want.
• Twisting events or facts in a way that’s hard for their partner to comprehend, so much so that they begin doubting their memory or understanding.
• Using comparison to undermine the self-esteem of their partner, “Other people wouldn’t react this way.”

Manipulation is a no-no if you really desire a healthy relationship. If you truly love your partner as you claim you do, then there’s obviously no reason to be manipulative towards them. Next is…

Not Putting Efforts

For a relationship to work requires ongoing efforts from both partners. If your partner have ever complained of you not putting any effort into the relationship, then that’s problematic.

Relationships fail when either partner doesn’t put in efforts to make it work but the other does. Remember, “it takes two to tango”. Meaning, one partner alone can’t get the ship sailing, it demands both partners to sail and continue sailing. For that, here’s a quick question:

Are you putting too much focus on yourself rather than on the relationship? Remember the Sarah and Jonathan story we mentioned earlier: Jonathan stopped putting in the effort to keep the relationship going, and what happened as a result? Their ship sank! But not just that, it sank badly. As such…

Lack of effort might look like this:

• You expect your partner to initiate every meaningful conversations.
• Failure to participate in important activities of your partner.
• You often forget important dates or details.
• Failing to express appreciation for their efforts in the relationship.

Cheating

This is the worst of them all. But it isn’t just about physically cheating on them, it also involves emotionally cheating on them as well.

If you’ve cheated on your partner or is cheating on them, then you’re the obvious problem in the relationship. Again, remember what Sarah eventually found out about her husband, Jonathan? Yes, he was cheating on her. That my friend, was even the more reason she sort to divorce him asap.

Cheating completely ruins any relationship without any eventuality that the relationship can be mended somehow in the future and return to its original form of love, true affection, and trust.

Infidelity that involves physical and emotional affairs, secret communications, and hidden relationships are all problematic and bad. Now…

After Considering These Signs, What’s Your Verdict?

After reading about these signs, do you picture yourself engaging in any, some, or even all of it? If yes is your answer, then you would agree with me that there’s a need to address your bad behaviors in order to save your relationship. Isn’t it? But…

As I mentioned earlier, the fact that you’re reading this article—whether you searched for it yourself or choose to read it when it was shared by a friend or on a platform—shows that you’re willing to reflect on your actions and grow for the sake of your relationship. That’s commendable. Well done!

Let’s now take a look at practical ways to fix all of these bad behaviors.

Practical Steps to Take if ‘You’re the Problem’ in Your Relationship

You are about to take the most important action(s) of your life, and it’s so crucial for you to do so. Without wasting of time, let’s get into it.

Self-Searching

Start by understanding your behaviors through honest self-reflection.

Here’s how you can do just that:

• Journaling: It’s old school, I know, but it can be so useful. It’s best to jot down your thoughts and feelings so you can gain clarity on emotions, situations and triggers that comes up in your relationship. What happened? How did you react? How could you have reacted? These cues are crucial to spotting your faults and help you sort out a better approach if ever such situations comes up in the future.
• Meditation: Have some quiet time alone to reflect on your relationship and the part you play in it. “Is my partner doing so much while I do so little?” “Do I appreciate my partner regardless of how little they contribute to the relationship, so as to encourage them to do even more?” Reflective questions like these can only be answered when you’re alone by yourself and ponders deeply on them.
• Seek Support: There’s no better way to do this than to ask for feedback from your partner. Sitting down with them and honestly asking, “Did I offended you by the way I spoke to you?” without the intention of picking a fight, can get you to hear how they actually feel or felt—a strong data points to improve yourself even better going forward. Next is by having…

Effective Communication

This involves:

• Having open and honest conversations.
• Ask open-ended questions like, “How are you really feeling about where we are right now in our relationship?” “What has been on your mind lately that we haven’t had a chance to talk about?” “What helps you feel more connected to me?” “How do you prefer we resolve disagreements going forward?”, to help you get them to open up their whole body, mind and soul into expressing their feelings as you do the next action…
• Listening attentively while they talk (more on this later).
• Be kind and respectful as you talk things out.
• Use “I feel” statements over “you never” statements. Examples like, “I feel like you should have supported me when I needed you” instead of, “You never ever show up to give me the support I needed.” Remember, you don’t want them to get defensive, because just little things as these can escalate dissension really fast.
• Thank them after they’ve finish expressing their concerns by using affirmative words.

Do all of these, and I am certain that your communication will improve and become effective as well. That said, remember I promised to go into more on…

Actively Listen

Letting them talk is one thing, you taking your time to patiently listen with zero interruptions is another ball game. Take note of the keyword, “patiently.” Yes, it can be tempting to intercept. Why?

Because, you feel they might have said something that doesn’t sit well with you, or is kind of a false accusation. It happens, and it may continue to happen. However, it’s now your job to let them bring out their complete selves out of the bag. And…

As they talk, stay on point with what they’re saying, avoid being defensive, and rephrase what they’ve actually said so as to gain clarity of their actual concerns. For example, you can say “If I can hear you right, it sounds like you’re hurt that I didn’t give you the needed support, right?”

Your goal should be to reduce further potential disagreements, foster trust and cause your partner to see you as being empathetic. But…

This isn’t complete without the need to…

Take Responsibility For Both Your Actions and Inactions

Rather than blaming your partner for your actions and inactions, learn to take responsibility, even if it’s uncomfortable.

Here’s how to do that:

• Specifically acknowledge the wrong you’ve committed.
• Be genuinely sorry about it.
• Explain just how you’re planning on amending it and how it will never repeat itself again.
• If it’s a wrong other than infidelity (which is something that shouldn’t ever repeat itself, if your partner ever chooses to forgive you), that will require you a bit of time to fix, clearly state it and ask for your partner to support you get through it.
• Lastly, be sure to follow through with a changed behavior. Moving on, learn to…

Resolve Conflicts Without Picking a Fight

Conflict is inevitable, but instead of focusing on the problem, focus on the solution. To do so…

Here are few methods to try to achieve an effective conflict resolution:

• Choose appropriate times for difficult conversations. Refrain from having such conversations when the tempo of both you and/or your partner are/is high.
• Focus on a specific issue at a time. Do not swing from one issue to the next issue and the next one, as this might escalate into something unintended.
• If either of you tempo becomes high, respectfully take a break, “you know what, maybe we should revisit this some other time,” is way much better.
• Don’t focus on their negatives, and even if you should, it should be done in a way that shows you see positive aspects of them. The goal is to help them become a better version of themselves.
• Try as much as you can to understand each other. And then…

Offer Sincere apologies When You’re Wrong

This is really straightforward. Just apologize if along the conflict resolution phase your partner tells you that you offended them.

Doing this help eases the toxicity and tension of the situation so you can both forge ahead peaceably. You do not want to drag the situation, or do you? As such…

Avoid using words like, “I am sorry if you felt hurt” or “I am sorry, but you provoked me.” Such words has zero empathy or feeling of remorse. Right after this, it’s now time to…

Develop Trust

If trust was previously broken, start rebuilding it right away.

Here are few suggestions to help you do just that:

• Be sure to keep to word on both small and big commitments.
• Make a being faithful both physically and emotionally a top priority.
• Follow through on promises you’ve made to your partner.
• Tell them about your fears and dreams.
• Be transparent about your whereabouts and activities, basically meaning no secrets.
• Keep private matters of your relationship private.

Doing all of these doesn’t equate that trust will instantly be built. Nevertheless, it creates a compounding effective that becomes stronger and stronger over time. Next, you want to…

Learn to Respect Boundaries

Healthy boundaries aren’t bad in relationships. You just have to learn to respect them. If your partner tells you they need some alone time to focus, grant them. It’s obviously one way to show them that you care about them.

Build Intimacy

Real intimacy is a combination of emotional, intellectual, and physical connection. That said…

Here are some ways to build it:

• Schedule a regular one-on-one time together free from distractions like phones or work.
• As you talk, open up about your fears, dreams, and childhood experiences, so as to deepen your emotional understanding of each other.
• Your partner can’t read your mind, express your emotional needs clearly to them.
• Make thoughtful compromises—even if you don’t like watching football and your partner does, you may want to join them to watch it, just for that emotional closeness.
• Again, practice active listening.
• Create small rituals of connection, like a weekly date night.
• Try new and fun stuffs together, like exploring nature or cooking a never tried before recipe.
• Celebrate each other’s wins, regardless of how little or big they are, to show a sense of appreciation for what they’ve managed or worked hard to accomplish.
• Be there for them during their difficult moments—not just to help them fix the problem, but to also offer comfort and your presence.
• And finally, if you both are married, make efforts to work on your sex life. And…

As you do all of these…

You Need to Find a Balance

Get this! This doesn’t call for extreme self-criticism or perfect behavior. You heard that right. You need to also show yourself self-compassion, as you try your very hard best to meet both the needs of yourself and that of your partner. This right here, isn’t an excuse though, to fall back to your problematic behaviors. Instead…

The point is to just be easy on yourself while you strive to make continuous progress to achieve a healthy relationship with your partner. Remember too that…

Every relationship on earth always involve two imperfect people who are committed to growing together. This balance recognizes that both you and your partner are responsible in contributing to the relationship y’all want.

Conclusion:

Asking yourself “Am I the problem in my relationship?” shows that you truly crave for a committed and healthy relationship, not that you’re belittling yourself. Nevertheless, the answer lies in how willing you’re to fix yourself if you realize that you’re the problem, and not your partner.

You want to pay a close attention on your behaviors and responses. A self-searching or self-reflection is a must.