Are your insecurities starting to become a pattern in your relationship—so much so that you’re beginning to believe the problem is rooted in your personality rather than something you can change? Many people also feel that way too. But here’s the real truth:

Insecurities has nothing to do with your personality, but has everything to do with your habits.

That nagging feeling of uncertainty, those persistent doubts about your partner’s feelings, or the constant fear of abandonment—all these insecurities—better to put it this way “habits” can stand between you and a thriving relationship. That said…

If you’re struggling with feelings of insecurities in your relationship, keep in mind that you aren’t alone on this and, more importantly, it’s possible to overcome them. That’s why…

In this article, you’ll come to understand what relationship insecurity actually is—its signs, causes, and ultimately how to stop being insecure.

Without further ado, let’s get into it. First…

What is relationship insecurity?

Relationship insecurity is when you have constant doubts, fears, and anxieties about yourself or your partner within a romantic relationship—that you aren’t smart enough, physically pleasing enough, or not a perfect match for your partner—and that someone else more smarter, physically pleasing, might swoop your partner from you. But…

Here’s what you might fail to know about relationship insecurities: They are feelings, not facts! That said…

Why are these feelings so common in relationships? The truth is, if you deeply love someone, some insecurities are bound to arise. However…

What makes these insecurities a bad trait is their extent. Meaning…

Over time, these thoughts intensify—you begin to question your partner’s love and resort to seeking constant reassurance, yet the insecurity only grows stronger. The effects?

Low self-worth may begin to creep in, leaving you becoming overly jealous and even depressed. This leads us to the next question.

Can Insecurity Ruin Your Relationship?

The short answer is yes—insecurities, when left unchecked, can significantly damage or even destroy an already thriving relationship. How?

Because, it can create a cycle of negative interactions that can be difficult to break. These may include:

• Constant reassurance-seeking behaviors capable of exhausting your partner emotionally.
• Jealousy and possessiveness—two forms of controlling behavior that stifle your partner’s independence.
• Persistent self-doubt that prevents true intimacy and vulnerability.
• Misinterpreting your partner’s words or actions leading to unnecessary relationship conflicts.
• The relationship shifts from fulfilling to anxiety-driven.

Over time, these patterns can slowly erode the love, trust, respect, and patience between you and your partner.

Your partner may feel unable to meet your emotional needs despite their best efforts, which may then lead to frustration and emotional distancing. That said…

How can you tell if you have them?

Signs You’re Insecure in Your Relationship

Here’s how to tell you’re feeling insecure in your relationship:

Intimacy Becomes a Problem

Are you avoiding physical closeness out of fear of rejection? Overthink your partner’s responses during intimate moments? Or use physical intimacy primarily as reassurance rather than as an expression of genuine love? Here’s the thing…

Once insecurity gains a strong foothold, intimacy usually suffers as a result.

Intimacy is even more challenging for an insecure person, especially when they’re getting into a new relationship. Even worse…

Most persons may use intimacy as a means to ‘keep’ or hold onto their partner, rather than as a natural expression of connection. Next, we’ve got…

Low self-esteem

Do you sometimes inwardly compare yourself, to someone of the opposite sex your partner just encountered recently? As they talk, are you having thoughts like “Aren’t they more physically attractive than me?” “Isn’t my partner finding them more attractive than me?”

You see! Scenarios like those highlights one thing: that you, not anyone else, are the problem. You’re basically, without any reason whatsoever, conditioning yourself to believe that you’re unworthy of your partner’s love, or worse yet, believing they could easily find someone ‘better,’ just because you’re constantly telling yourself you’re unattractive. When on the flip side, your partner may not view you as unattractive.

This low self-esteem then creates a filter through which you interpret every interactions, making it difficult to accept genuine affection and compliments from your partner. Next is…

Lack of Trust

Trust issues are perhaps the most telling sign of relationship insecurity. Where you’re…

Constantly digging through their phones, questioning their whereabouts, feeling suspicious of their friends of the opposite sex, or assuming the worst when they don’t respond immediately to your messages. Keep in mind…

Lack of trust breeds jealousy. When you struggle to fully trust your partner, that doubt quickly turns into jealousy, where every interaction your partner has, let’s say with their ex, or with an attractive opposite sex, feels threatening and every distance feels like rejection. As such…

Jealousy as a result of lack of trust, may cause you to overanalyze your partner’s behavior, seek constant validation, or become possessive—all as a way to soothe your internal fear. But…

Ironically, these actions can push your partner away and create the very issues you’re trying to avoid. Next is…

Proactive Response to Triggers

People with insecurity often become overly alert to anything they perceive as a threat to the relationship. They might…

Respond strongly to their partner’s comments, even when they didn’t mean to upset them. For example…

Let’s say your husband speaks highly of his coworker, praising her efficiency and reliability at work. Suddenly, thousands of thoughts starts running through your mind, leading you to react with jealousy. Or…

You might even find yourself reacting intensely to situations that trigger memories of past hurt or feelings of rejection. Let’s now take a look at the…

Causes of Insecurities in Relationships

These are some potential causes of insecurity in you and they include:

Past Traumas

Early childhood experiences like bullying, neglect, mistreatment, or abuse by caregivers can lead to deep-seated feelings of unworthiness.

These experiences can damage your self-esteem and make it hard to believe you’re deserving of genuine love, contributing to insecurity.

Experiencing unhealthy relationship dynamics between your parents during childhood can also contribute to insecurity in your own relationship. Like having witnessed how your dad treated your mom—or vice versa—may lead you to fear that similar patterns will repeat in your relationship.

These past experiences shape your expectations and fears, often unconsciously.

Seeking Validations

When you keep measuring yourself against unrealistic or highly curated versions of others—especially those you see online, in the media, or even in your social circles—it can over time lower how you view yourself (self-worth), leading you to form the habit of constantly seeking validations just to feel worthy.

This constant seeking of validation is then carried over when you eventually get into a relationship. In other words…

When your sense of self-worth depends heavily on external validation, your relationship then becomes a primary source of that validation. But note that…

Insecurity like this can sometimes breed codependency—a relationship pattern where you prioritizes your partner’s needs and desires to the point of completely neglecting your own, all in an effort to gain their approval or validation.

Experienced Major Setbacks

Major life events you’ve experienced like a divorce or breakup can deeply affect your self-esteem and confidence, often leaving you feeling insecure in your current relationship. These experiences…

Can cause you to feel vulnerable and question your value as a partner, particularly if your identity was strongly tied to what you’ve lost. Next is…

Self-criticism

This often happens when you constantly talk down to yourself—highlighting your flaws and shortcomings, which makes it harder to believe you’re worthy of genuine love.

Constantly criticizing yourself only strengthens the belief that you’re not good enough for your partner.

Past Unhealthy Relationships

Having been treated badly by friends, colleagues, or family members in the past can make it more difficult for you to trust others.

Additionally, previous romantic relationship(s) that was characterized by manipulation, gaslighting, infidelity, or emotional abuse can create lasting impressions about what to expect in your current or new relationship, even when your partner has given you no reason to doubt their intentions or faithfulness. And…

With all that out of the way, let’s consider how you can actually put an end to it.

How to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationship

Since feelings of insecurity can negatively affect your relationship, it’s important to recognize when those feelings arise and address them from the start.

Here’s how to stop being insecure in your relationship—in 12 steps:

Step 1. Identify the Root Cause of Your Insecurities

Megan* after just 8 months of relationship decided to breakup with her boyfriend.

*Names have been changed for privacy purpose.

At first, she thought she was more secure and ready for a relationship. However, her reason for breaking up with her boyfriend was because she discovered she was so insecure, so much so that, she made him feel miserable with her insecurities.

The reason for her insecurity? Comparison.

She would compare herself, her face, or her body with girls she saw on social media. But here’s the most shocking part!

She says that her boyfriend never gave her any cause to feel bad about herself, yet she would continue to fixate on the girls she sees on social media and then categorize herself as “ugly.”

Though Megan broke up with her boyfriend for his sake. However, what did she actually did right in this situation? She identified the root cause of her insecurity—and so should you.

Her identifying the root cause may help her to correct or look for a solution, so it doesn’t carry over to a future relationship.

What’s the lesson here?

Sometimes, it may not be your past experiences like how you were raised, not having good role models for healthy relationships, or that your parents didn’t loved you enough, but has everything to do with your “habits” in the present.

Nevertheless, whether it’s your past experiences or your present habits that’s the cause of your insecurities, it’s always helpful to ask yourself these questions:

• Do certain situations constantly trigger my insecurity?
• Have I felt this way in previous relationships?
• Are there connections between my childhood experiences and my current fears?
• Do I have the habit of constantly seeking reassurance every time something feels slightly off?
• Do I always compare myself and appearance to others and feels my partner doesn’t find me appealing?
• When did I first begin to feel insecure in this relationship?

Step 2. Challenge Your Assumptions

The mind doesn’t always follow a clear path.

Negative thoughts will come up. Assumptions that go unquestioned will arise.

What should you do in such situations?

Start by taking note of these thoughts and challenging them with evidence-based thinking. But…

How then, do you go about it?

Below are some suggestions to help you do just that:

• When you catch yourself thinking “My partner is probably losing interest,” ask yourself: “What evidence do I actually have for this belief?”
• For every negative assumption, identify at least two alternative explanations for the situation.
• Consider what you would tell a friend who shared the same insecure thoughts about their relationship.

Additionally, it’s expected for your brain to toss out all sorts of ideas and concerns about where the relationship is now and where it might be headed.

For example, your brain might toss out concerns like:

• “She hasn’t replied to my text in hours. She must be ignoring me on purpose.”
• “He laughed at her joke but didn’t laugh at mine. He probably finds her more interesting than me.”
• “I bet he regrets being with me. I’m probably just a burden to him.”
• “He didn’t say ‘I love you’ before hanging up. Maybe he don’t feel the same anymore.”
• “We haven’t had a deep conversation in a while. Maybe they’re emotionally checking out.”
• “She complimented someone else’s outfit and didn’t say anything about mine. I must not be attractive to her.”
• “He’s been quiet lately—he must be planning to leave me.”
• “He seems happier around his friends than around me. Maybe I’m not enough.”

Surprisingly, these concerns are often unfounded and may be neither true nor helpful. Instead, they pull you deeper into your thoughts, leaving you feeling even more uncertain about the relationship and what you truly want. Even more clear reasons why you should always challenge your assumptions and gradually replace them with more balanced perspectives.

Step 3. View Your Relationship from a Neutral Standpoint

Take a moment to step back from your emotions and assess your relationship from a more neutral perspective.

Did you have a recent argument with your partner? Have you considered whether it might have stemmed from one of your own insecurities? Now…

Try this:

Write down the facts of situations that trigger your insecurity, and separate them from your interpretations. How does this help? Because…

Viewing things from a neutral standpoint can help you see whether your insecurities are distorting your perception or if there are real issues that deserve attention.

Step 4. Openly Communicate Your Insecurities With Your Partner

One effective means of overcoming insecurity in your relationship is to discuss it with your partner.

What’s making you feel insecure? Why not be vulnerable about it with your partner?

Vulnerability, while it’s challenging, is essential for overcoming insecurity.

Let them know if they seem to be more friendly with someone of the opposite sex than they are with you, and explain how it’s been bothering you lately—but make sure to express it without a jealous tone.

Speaking to them calmly, with the goal of helping them understand your perspective and working together on a solution, is far better than lashing out and turning it into a conflict. Using…

“I” statements to express your feelings can help prevent you from blaming them. That being said…

Here’s how making use of an “I” statement looks like: “I’m working on my insecurity about… and it would help me if we could…” You get the point. Because the truth is…

Healthy communication creates room for your partner to understand your insecurities and how they affect you, and may encourage them to support you through appropriate reassurance.

Step 5. Be Easy on Yourself

You may have had experiences of terrible trauma or abuse in the past that may now been the cause of your insecurities right this moment. But…

Here’s the thing…

You don’t need to criticize or judge yourself for your struggles. Why?

Because turns out self-compassion is a powerful antidote to insecurity.

Let me illustrate this with examples:

• When your partner needs space, you end up assuming it’s your fault, thinking maybe you’re “too much” or “emotionally exhausting” to be around.
• You compare yourself to your partner’s exes and convince yourself that you’re “not attractive or successful enough,” dismissing your unique value.
• You feel guilty over past relationship mistakes and fear your partner hasn’t fully forgiven you. Rather than offering yourself compassion, you label yourself as “too emotional” or “a burden” which only deepens your emotional struggle.
• After opening up emotionally, you regret it and think, “I shouldn’t have said anything—now they’ll think I’m unstable.”
• You struggle to express your needs and then scold yourself for “being weak” or “not assertive enough,” rather than recognizing how hard it is to be vulnerable.

Do you now see the reasons why you should show yourself self-compassion?

When you constantly judge or criticize yourself, you end up stacking guilt or shame on top of the difficult emotions you already have, which ends up making you feel worse and reinforcing insecurity and low self-esteem.

Rather than being self-critical, here’s what I’d suggest you do instead:

• Acknowledge that insecurity is a common human habit, and doesn’t signal a personal failing.
• When insecurities arise, speak to yourself with encouragement instead of criticism, while working on fixing them.
• Take note of and appreciate your progress and efforts, no matter how small.

In short, self-compassion is one of the most effective ways to counteract self-criticism when you’re working to overcome insecurity.

Step 6. Try not to Fixate on Mistakes Made in Past Relationships

Just because you made big mistakes in a past relationship doesn’t mean you’re bound to make the same mistakes again in your current one.

Your past relationship mistakes should only guide you not to repeat it again but shouldn’t dictate your insecurities. Because…

Here’s the truth…

When you constantly dwell on past relationship mistakes, you drain the time and energy that could be spent nurturing your current relationship—potentially putting it at risk of falling apart.

To break free from this pattern:

• Keep in mind that your current partner is a different person from your ex and had no part in your past.
• Always take note of when you’re trying to project past relationship mistakes onto current situations of your present relationship.
• Focus on what’s happening in the present moment of your relationship, rather than letting past personal mistakes dictate your reactions.

Separating your past from the present can help you respond more positively to your current relationship.

Step 7. Clearly Express Your Needs with Polite Confidence

Insecurity can sometimes make it difficult to politely and directly express your needs and wants to your partner. In other words…

It’s absolutely crucial for you to express yourself honestly about your needs and desires while also being respectful to the rights of your partner. On the contrary…

Holding back from directly and respectfully expressing your needs and wants in the relationship will always make you feel insecure. Because…

If you refuse to tell your partner what’s hurting you or what they’re doing that’s causing you to feel insecure, they may continue doing it, leading to frustrations when those unspoken needs and wants aren’t met.

In short, to reduce feelings of insecurity in you, ensure to make it a habit of expressing your needs and wants to your partner with polite confidence.

Step 8. Stop worrying about where the relationship is headed

Do you or have you ever worried about the future of the relationship? If it’ll ever survive in the long run or end? Well, if you do, then I’m sorry to say this, but that’s a recipe for insecurity.

You see…

If your mind is always focused on what might happen next, you’ll miss what’s happening in the present. In other words…

For you to actually overcome insecurity, you need to be in the present, rather than constantly worrying about the future of the relationship—whether it will survive or not.

Will your relationship improve just because you worry about its future? Most likely not. And if it won’t, then what will happen if you keep worrying?

You’ll be creating unnecessary pressure and anxiety instead. You obviously do not want that to happen, if it’s your goal to overcome your insecurities. To better understand this…

Let’s use some examples:

Imagine you’re considering a serious conversation with your partner. But instead of feeling calm and prepared for it, your mind spirals into worst-case scenarios—what if they’re not ready, what if things fall apart, what if this leads to a breakup?

These fears trigger overwhelming anxiety, resulting in two possible outcomes:

1. You avoid the conversation altogether, fearing the discomfort it may bring.
2. You push through and have the conversation, but your anxiety hijacks your focus. You struggle to articulate your needs clearly or to truly listen, which leaves the conversation unproductive and emotionally draining.

Example 2:

You’ve been together for a while and things feel steady—but rather than finding comfort in the stability of the relationship, you start to worry that the spark is fading, and that this slow fade might be a sign you’re growing apart without realizing it.

Example 3:

You texted your partner about weekend plans, but it’s few hours now and they haven’t responded. Instead of assuming that they’re might be busy, you spiral into fears that they’re losing interest or avoiding you, and start imagining a breakup looming. But…

Rather than worrying about where the relationship is headed, here’s what to do do instead:

• Prioritize creating meaningful and positive moments in your current interactions.
• Value the relationship as it is in the present, without seeking constant assurances about the future.
• Recognize that strong relationships grow naturally when you allow them the time and space to develop.

Step 9. Set healthier boundaries

Focus on developing your own sense of individuality. Why? Because…

When you allow a whole lot of your sense of self to be coming from your partner, it raises the likelihood of insecurity. What however, should you do in this situation?

Learn to give each other space to be your true selves. And…

Keep this in mind: when there aren’t healthy boundaries, it becomes challenging to feel truly secure in the relationship.

For example:

• Can you truly feel secure when your need for alone time is treated like rejection instead of self-care?
• Would you actually feel secure if your partner shares private details about you with others?
• How could you possibly feel secure when your partner insists on knowing your every move, leaving no room for personal space?

It’s hard, isn’t it? Of course, it is.

I get it that it’s tough to ask for boundaries in your relationship, especially when you’re worried about what your partner might think of you. Obviously why it’s important to approach the conversation about setting healthy boundaries with a sense of calm and mutual respect.

Step 10. Let Go of the Need for Constant Reassurance

While it’s completely natural to seek reassurance when you feel anxious and insecure in your relationship—constantly wanting to be reassured can quickly turn into an addiction. This is damaging to someone trying to overcome insecurity.

Relying on reassurance too often can be harmful in the long run. Here’s why…

It can create a harmful cycle, increasing your own feelings of insecurity while gradually building resentment in your partner—because it can come across as if you’re taking advantage of them—and no one likes to feel that way. But…

As noted earlier, it’s completely okay to check in with your partner and share when you’re feeling anxious about something in the relationship. However…

The real concern is when this need for reassurance becomes persistent and turns into a habit that feels hard to break.

Want to stop the habit of constantly seeking reassurance? Try this:

• When the urge for it kicks in, refrain from immediately acting on it.
• Practice self-soothing techniques to manage anxious moments on your own.
• Slowly build your ability to handle not knowing where the relationship is headed.

By practicing self-reassurance, you’ll build more trust in your ability to handle the challenges that comes with relationships.

Step 11. Start Spending Time Doing Things Outside the Relationship

Having a fulfilling life outside your relationship can help reduce insecurity. But…

Does this mean you should give less time to your partner? Far from it! In fact…

Healthy relationships requires more quality intimate moments between both partners. Nevertheless…

To get things balanced, in a bid to prevent codependency, which may then lead to feelings of insecurity—having relationships like friends and family and hobbies you enjoy doing should be a necessity. Because…

Here’s the thing…

When you learn to spend some time on your own or with others outside your relationship, it can help you grow as an individual and strengthens your personal identity. The more better and secure you feel in yourself, the more stability and satisfaction you’ll bring into your relationship.

Step 12. Seek Professional Help

Feeling insecure in a relationship doesn’t just strain the relationship itself—it can also take a serious toll on your mental and emotional well-being as well.

And at times, no matter how much you want to, overcoming insecurity in a relationship can feel incredibly difficult and overwhelming. In such case…

Maybe you should consider speaking with a relationship expert or therapist either alone or with your partner—as they can help identify how either your own or shared insecurities of both you and your partner affect the relationship and offer guidance on how to work through those issues together.

Conclusion

Overcoming the feeling of insecurity in your relationship isn’t a wish come through—it requires patience, self-compassion, and consistent effort.

In addition to that, you need to identify the root causes of your insecurities, challenge negative thought patterns, openly and respectfully communicate it with your partner about it, and building a stronger sense of self.

And as you do so, also remember that occasional feelings of insecurity are normal in relationships—it’s the habit of being too frequent about it that needs addressing.

As you work through the 12 steps on how to stop being insecure in your relationship—or focus on the areas that resonate most with your situation, as outlined in this article—you can begin to create space for a deeper, more authentic connection with your partner.